Being that I am a real person, and have received just one too many comments regarding the deduction that *I* must be the true asshole if my kids are assholes, allow me to make a clarification:
I am not an asshole. My kids are not assholes. I am not teaching my asshole kids how to be bigger assholes than me thank-you-very-much. As a matter of fact, internet trolls, if you knew me, and you knew my children, you wouldn’t put such sanctimonious bullshit judgments in the comments section of a dinky blog mostly written for my friends. Because here’s the thing: my kids are actually fantastic kids 99% of the time, if I do say so myself. They are respectful; you would know that if you asked their teachers. They are the kind of kids who stand up for other kids and sit with the new kid on the first day of school; you would know that if you asked their classmates. They are appreciative; you would know that if you had heard them on the way home from the beach yesterday thank me for taking them on vacation. They are compassionate and empathetic; you would know that if you were here when they were packing lunches for underprivileged kids this summer. They are kind, smart, funny, caring, and giving; you would know all that if you ever actually met them. And they wouldn’t be that way if I were such a colossal asshole who wasn’t bothering to teach them better. I’m actually quite a strict parent with extremely high standards for my kids. In other words, I don’t take shit. But they are KIDS, dammit. ALL KIDS sometimes act like little assholes.
So I can only deduce a few things about you. Either:
A) You are the spawn of Satan and never were a child yourself.
B) You don’t have any children of your own.
C) If you DO have children, you have a severe case of amnesia which warrants an evaluation of a doctor but be aware that you might injure yourself trying to get there what with the fall from your horse being such a long drop.
or, most likely,
D) You have absolutely NO sense of humor (which really sucks for you).
So…I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: please be kind or be quiet. Thanks a heap.
Diary of a Sue-per Mom 
A to the men. AMEN and so well said. I love your posts, your kids and your humor.
I actually LOVED your post and was laughing to myself at 0300 AM reading it! You describe my kid’s Playbook exactly! Thanks for being honest and for your hilarious sense of humor. It will actually help me to laugh at them a little more instead of getting so uptight. Thanks!!
I think you are amazing and I can relate to EVERY SINGLE one of you points. I have more than one kid and they are still elementry school age; fight club is real. I too am not raising assholes, but kids are selfish and act like assholes at times. (So, do adults that have no clue what they are talking about because they have grown kids and forgot what it is like to be a parent). We, my mother in law and I, laughed till we cried. Your piece is so welll written! Haters there will always be and yes they have no sense of humor (which suck for them!). Thanks for your blog! ♥
There is one you my have overlooked: Do instigate and escalate arguments while parental unit is on phone with your elderly great aunt.
Your blog has provided my husband and I much needed comic relief in the middle of a huge/stressful move from New England to the deep South. I think we are long lost best friends. Looking forward to future posts!
Exactly right. I was glad to see so many people jumping in to support you, and this follow-up is well said. It was a humorous piece really uplifting to those of us who sometimes forget we’re not the only ones with these problems. A little perspective from someone not afraid to share the less-than-perfect side of life is a great and welcome thing. Thanks!
OMG…you are my spirit animal! This brings tears of laughter and happiness!
That was the best blog post I ever read! 3 kids here 9, 5, and 4 and those were hilarious and spot on! Good work-never ever ever listen to anyone who doesn’t like this! I will be following your blog from now on
Ha ha, I want to be this moms blog follower ! Even the PS is funny ♡ Thank you for making me laugh and know I’m not alone in the game of parenting. lol 😅 For real !
I think you are absolutely hilarious and spot-on with everything. I too am raising good children (this according to other people like teachers, older relatives, friends and people in Target and I promise I always question if they know which children they’re referring to) who occasionally act like complete a$$holes. Your blog makes me feel much better because I know that I’m not the only person trying to raise my children to be good people and sometimes feeling like I am failing.
Well said, and good for you for sticking to your core principles, even though it shouldn’t be necessary to. The bottom line is that there are far too many people online, who have far too much time on their hands, and most likely have nothing better to do with their time, than to berate you for something that you obviously wrote as a humorous piece. How unfortunate for them, that they’re unable to see the humor in it. Keep doing what you do, and never let the trolls drag you down to their level, they’re beneath you.
This made me so grateful that my kids are approaching adulthood and are mostly past the asshole stage, mostly. Never thought I would enjoy teenagers. Thanks for the laughs.