Sweet young ladies of the Gator Nation: I have some words of advice for you. And before you accuse me of being jealous of you, know this: I totally am.
There ain’t no shame in my game. I was you once. I remember that glorious feeling of never having to suck in my baby-carrying gut. Or not having to suffocate on a hot summer day in the torture chamber that is a pair of gas trapping Spanx. Or being able to sit down without pulling the waist of my jeans up and over that little pouch under my belly button every time I sit down. I remember those days well. I am, my dears, quite jealous of you. Totally green with envy.
That being said, this does not come from a place of bitterness. I am trying to save you the embarrassment of what has become the most hiddy fashion statement of this decade: the high waisted, booty jean shorts.
Girls, as my very gracious mother-in-law would say, “sometimes the trend is not your friend”. She really just says it as a joke. She wouldn’t ever actually tell me that (thank God she’s not one of THOSE MIL’s). But these words couldn’t be truer when referring to these heinous shorts. This trend is NO ONE’S friend. Trust me. And this is for two main reasons:
First of all, no matter how small or perky of a little bubble butt you have, these shorts will double the length of it while simultaneously flattening it like a pancake. Good grief. Since when is the long, flat gramma butt look desirable? These shorts are a colossal waste of a youthful tush. The day will come when your best party trick is holding a pack of crayons under the crease of your saggy mom butt and you’re gonna wish you didn’t waste the years that it was presentable looking like your butt was smashed against a piece of glass. Don’t hide that cute badonk in an old lady disguise. (But when the cheeks hang out, barf. Come on. Not. Cute. Ever).
The second is the tummy. Ladies. Check it: 97% of you will not have those tan and taut tummies much past the age of 28. That’s sort of a scientific fact. I know you think you’re going to be the one who is going to do Pilates and Crossfit until you’re 39 weeks pregnant (FYI…when you’re actually pregnant you will refer to your pregnancy in weeks, not months).
You think you’re not gonna eat french fries for breakfast and McFlurries for lunch and that you are going to be the one to emerge on the other side of the business of growing a human inside you with that beautiful sculpted abdomen in tact. Blah, blah, blah. Good luck with that.
Bad news guys: you’re not. (Well except for those 3% bitches, but you can’t count on being one of those. Too risky). So my point? Don’t give yourself a mom pouch BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE ONE.
For crying out loud.
Covering your midsection with a nine inch zipper gives even the flattest 20 year old stomach an unattractive bulge. It’s some sort of inexplicable optical illusion. Listen, I’ve spent the last 8 years trying to hide my stretched out pooch. The struggle is real. Don’t you dare waste your effortless six pack by covering it with a big old button and humongous denim zipper. Believe me when I say you will live to regret it. And you will have 3,000 Instagram pics of yourself in them, so unless you kill the internet, it’s definitely going on your permanent record.
Look girls. I have a theory that the lady who decided to make these shorts fashionable was a bitter middle-aged mom who, despite working out seven days a week couldn’t get rid of her jiggly middle (I feel ya’ sister). She was looking to level the playing field; to make even the girls with the cutest figures look like middle aged ladies.
She’s clever, I’ll give her that.
But don’t fall for it like my generation did. The mid-nineties were lousy with high waisted jean shorts (only ours were more like Bermudas and there were no exposed cheeks PTL). And thankfully, not only did our phones not have cameras, they were actually attached to walls by cords. Learn from my mistakes.
You’ve still got it. Dress it up to its full potential (without being slutty…that’s a post for another day). I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that belly and booty aren’t yours to keep. They’re on loan from your future children. Make the most of them. Just say no to the high waisted jorts. They are UGLY. On every single human being alive. You can thank me later.
(And if you don’t believe me, just ask a DUDE).
PS-We will talk about what’s going to happen to your boobs another time. I don’t want you to start crying and get distracted from shredding all your jorts.