A Word, Please….

Ladies, ladies, ladies…it is high time we have a come to Jesus regarding these Sketchers cellulite destroying shoes.

What is it going to take to get the message out there? These are NOT magic shoes. And only magic shoes could possibly zap the cellulite from behind our thighs.

Really, I know how easy it is to be wishful in this arena. I would love more than anything to be able to have a pair of magic shoes do my dirty work while I simply tool around the mall or watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I hate to break it to ya…Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. So let’s stop wasting our money on hideous shoes (not to mention, there are grown women wearing Sketchers out there) and lose our cellulite the old fashioned way–by purchasing magic creams.

On another subject, if you happen to be a person that goes to a gym class wearing light gray cotton pants with no panties (KZ-this is not directed at you) then please hear this: everyone in class can see the sweat in your booty crack and worse yet, your lady biz. I wanted to hug the girl in Body Pump today who FINALLY decided to go with the black pants instead of the gray. I was getting so embarrassed for her.

Just file that under “good to know” and “dri-fit”.

Spanx

Okay…I am not even kidding.

I swear to you that last night when we were out with some friends, a girl I know (who I like very much) totally felt me up to investigate whether or not I was wearing Spanx. She kind of sidled up to me and put her arm halfway around the bottom of my waist and ran her hand against my back.

Let me save you the trouble…I do, in fact, wear Spanx. The secret is out. Okay, not so much of a secret…I’m a 35 year old mother of two.

But I will say it loud and proud…I AM A SPANX LOVER. I want to kiss the hand of the woman that invented them. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like to advertise it by letting the seams show through my clothes (it sort of ruins the illusion) but I’m not ashamed to say it: I need a good old fashioned girdle sometimes. Having two babies (and gaining an average of 50 pounds each time…oops) tends to shift things around in the middle section. I say, why not take advantage of the genius of spandex to help smooth things out a bit.

It’s totally worth the suffocation and circulatory distress for the muffin top not to jiggle when you walk in heels (my big girl once asked me why my “booty was so jiggly” and I had to refrain from shaking her and yelling “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!”).

So…young, childless girls, next time you suspect that a mom friend of yours is wearing Spanx, instead of giving her a TSA security patdown, just play along and tell her how good she looks. It will brighten her day otherwise marked by tantrums, poopy diapers and sending little peeps to timeout.

One day, you’ll struggle to get those jokers on and walk around all day breathless but tight in all the right places and appreciate the reciprocation.

Water Fountain

I am an unabashed germaphobe.

I flush public toilets with my feet, I only touch elevator buttons with my elbow or pinky, I use my own pen at the pediatrician, I haven’t touched a bathroom door handle in years, I can’t bring myself to put my fingers in the e. coli infested holy water at church, Port-A-Potties make my heart race, and I am utterly terrified of dirty knives and cross contamination in restaurant kitchens.

Last night, I was making fajitas and I thought a little speck of raw meat juice may have possibly splashed on my chin so I rubbed a huge gob of hand sanitizer all over it (but I did it in the corner so my husband didn’t see me. I try not to advertise my crazy). Anyone who knows me well knows that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

But there is another thing that is the stuff of my nightmares: water fountains. Water fountains are repulsive to me. I NEVER drink out of them. I could be hallucinating as a result of dehydration and I wouldn’t touch a water fountain with a ten foot pole.

Not only do I think the actual fountain part is disgusting, even the button gives me the heebs.

And today, I was slapped right in the Purelled face with the reason why.

That reason would be grimy, sweaty little children.

When I picked up my girl from school today, I watched in horror as a little boy literally mauled the water fountain with his mouth and tongue. Inside I was screaming, STOP!!!! PLEASE STOP!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!! STOP!!!!!! I had to refrain from tackling the little boy who was next in line from drinking after this water fountain molester. It was revolting.

Now, I try REALLY hard not to let my fear of germs rub off on my little girls. And I wince in terror when my big girl wants a drink at a park or the mall. If I didn’t bring anything for her to drink (which you know is rare because we have already discussed my preparedness) I usually let her. But you best believe we have had many discussions about how to properly drink out of a water fountain, including how we NEVER touch our mouths to it (we also drilled proper toilet seat nest building and good hand washing technique in the days leading up to kindergarten).

So moms, whattaya say we make a pact?

Can we all just talk to our little people about the correct way to drink out of a fountain that doesn’t involve any mucous membranes coming in contact with common surfaces? I would greatly appreciate that. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

But just in case, my girl will be showing up to school tomorrow with her own personal water supply stashed in her tote bag.

If you think I’m joking, think again.

Survival

I have said it before and I’ll say it
again: I am not the best mom out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children beyond words. I don’t love them any less than any other mom loves her children. That being said, I’m not winning any trophies if you know what I mean.

See, I sometimes subscribe to the “whatever it takes” method of parenting. And sometimes I stoop pretty low. Like for example, I haven’t been feeling well for the last two days. (I have a little “wirus” as my doctor put it. Nothing major, sore throat and body aches but it’s just enough to put me into the “whatever it takes” mode).

Tonight, my terrorist (okay…that’s in kind of poor taste, but we had a Vietnamese neighbor in Colorado who told is his daughter was a “terrorist” instead of a “terror” and we thought it was so damn funny, we haven’t been able to let it go), wasn’t diggin’ what we served her for dinner. So she came over and demanded some crackers. I got the crackers out, but she wanted “cracker bag” so, what the hell, I gave it to her. Just please, baby, take your crackers and go see what Elmo’s up to.

She came back and handed me the crackers. What was left was less than a half of the sleeve. She ate like 20 saltines. I was afraid she was going to dehydrate from the salt. But whatever…she was quiet for a few minutes, so I’ll keep my eye on her for any swelling.

Here’s another example: I carry a handful of Dum Dum lollipops in my purse for emergencies. You know, emergencies like being at the post office and your baby tearing 25 greeting cards out of the display (actually happened) or on an airplane and a woman is sighing loudly behind you due to the high pitched screech (actually happened. More than once).

So we were at the pediatrician the other day and the baby is yelling over the doctor as he assures me that my big girl isn’t dying and does not, in fact, have the Hodgkins disease with which I have Google diagnosed her and I am trying so hard to listen, I just dug in and gave her a sucker. Then it takes me a couple minutes to notice that she’s running back and forth in the exam room with a Dum Dum stick hanging out of her mouth. So I sheepishly say to the doctor, “I probably shouldn’t have given my baby a lollipop. And then let her run with it IN FRONT of her doctor,” to which he says flatly, “no…probably not.” Oops. My bad.

But sometimes for me, it’s just about survival. My kids eat a lot of stuff and do a lot of stuff I probably should not let them eat and do. But it’s just easier on those days when you’re exhausted and your husband’s out of town and your hair hasn’t been washed in days and you flooded the front courtyard with the hose to let your kids eat Lunchable Nachos with a side of potato chips for dinner then have a “wipes bath” before letting them watch Nick Jr. until they fall asleep.

Because, by golly, I will live to see another day.

And so will they.

Duck Face

This one’s gonna be short, but I’ve got something on my mind.  Ladies…I do not understand the phenomena that is the duck face.  Can someone please explain to me why girls post pictures of themselves all over creation while sticking out their lips and making a duck face??  What I really want to know is who is telling these girls that this is cute.  ATTENTION YOUNG WOMEN OF AMERICA:  the duck face is anything but cute.  I promise you that your regular smiley face is WAAAYYYY prettier than that weird duck face.  It’s not hot.  Did some pimply boy tell you it was?  When did this photo pose sweep the nation?  No one was making duck faces when I was in my 20’s (although I could have stood for someone to tell me to pull the waist of my pants down from my boobs a little and thin out my eyebrows just a tad).  I’m just sayin’ girls…lose the duck face.  You’ll thank me when you’re 35 and your lip stick isn’t bleeding into all those little wrinkles from the constant pursing of your lips for photo ops.

Sanctuary

I am in better shape than I have ever been in my life.  That is not to say I am in “great” shape.  I hate when people on Facebook brag about how much exercise they do.  It is so irritating.  Once when I ran a race, my friend tried to make me post my time on Facebook.  I told her no way.  Anyway, that is not what this is about.

I HATE to exercise.  I dread it like nothing else.  It is not my thing and I am very unathletitic (funny considering I am married to an athlete).

But you wanna know why I am in the best shape I’ve ever been in?  Two words, people:  FREE BABYSITTING.

We joined an awesome health club in April and they have an even more awesome kids club where I am allotted two and a half hours a day of PURE FREEDOM.

Now, people who know me well must know that when my big girl was a baby, I would no more have put her in a gym nursery than dangled her over an erupting volcano. But that second kid is a game changer (all you three plus moms, seriously…kudos).  I throw my little one in there and run for my life even though I am beyond repulsed that she plays with all those nasty toys and almost constantly sucks her thumb.

Let me just tell you, my 20 month old baby is a terror on two feet. She is basically rendering me home bound. Carts, strollers or any other type of constricting devices are not in her repertoire. She runs away from me in the mall while old ladies look on in horror. She takes off in Costco screaming for cake.  I frequently get pity laughs in public places because she is so wild.  She is more than what you’d call a handful (I put the blame for this solely on my husband who is the stuff of legends in the behavior department).

Anyway, it is getting very difficult to go anywhere with her.

And what’s worse than exercise??

Staying home all day with a restless little monster who is capable of having me 5150’d all by herself.  So sometimes, I go to the gym when I don’t really feel like it. Just so I can be alone. To waste time, I wander around observing group fit classes (which begs the question:  where exactly does one purchase one of those tinkly Zumba skirts?), I sit and have a coffee, I play on my phone, I talk to my friends. Sometimes I just walk on the treadmill and watch reruns of Lost. I go so slow that I might as well be eating a bag of Sour Patch Kids on there.

But sometimes exercising is just the lesser of two evils.

Don’t get me wrong. I actually do productive exercise there most of the time. But if I have time left over after my workout, you better believe I’m sitting in a chair in the lobby drinking a Coke while checking Facebook and watching the clock to see when my time is up. I even have the option of full salon services–facial, pedicure, massage. That place is the holy land.  It is my saving grace. It is my sanctuary.  Even though I am totally not into health and fitness. I “work out” a lot for a person who despises exercise.

Okay, it’s time to finish this up because I’ve been informed that my dog is tied to a chair outside as a punishment for eating a piece of a grilled cheese.

Fantastic.

Daisies

Let me ask you this: Is it HORRIBLE of me not to want to sign my daughter up for Daisy Girl Scouts because all of the moms seem so utterly uncool?

Except for my sweet friend Ozzie. She’s legit.

I mean, I’m not the coolest gal around, but I think I’ve still got a little swagger if you know what I’m sayin’. These moms were just so…well…I don’t know…? Just not chicks I think I’d ever text to ask them if they can believe what just happened on Bachelor Pad.

I’m totally going to hell.

One of them was a MAJOR know it all type, complete with nasally voice, LOTS of Cub Scout experience and wretched breath. So I’ll go ahead and also label her as the gaseous one. Someone was just letting them rip during this meeting. It was burning my nose hair.

Anyway, they call an “information meeting” at 6:30 on a school night. These ladies clearly are unaware that my house is like a freaking war zone at that time of the evening. So, I had dinner cooked for the husband, two short order meals prepared for their excellencies, dishes all done, real clothes put on and even a little makeup applied for good measure. I left one screaming baby and a hungry husband who is a walking zombie as he got home from a work trip at 5:40 this morning.

As I peeled the little one off of me, I yelled, “You’re going to have to use cookies!! Offer her a cookie!” and I ran out the door. It was an occasion to pull out the big guns.

So…first of all, I get there and realize, oh…I forgot my kid. I didn’t get the memo that I was supposed to bring the prospective Girl Scout. But there was no way in hell I was going back for her. I barely made it out as it was. I could only save myself.

So after a lot of time wasting and waiting around and a lovely video about Girl Scouts, they separated us into groups by age (now is the appropriate time to say that I think the Girl Scout organization is fantastic. I feel very strongly about the value they have for little girls. I think the principles of the Girl Scouts are unfortunately not ingrained enough in kids today. I was so happy to hear that they haven’t taken the word “God” out of the Girl Scout promise as I had expected. I LOVE the Girl Scouts. I ain’t knocking the Girl Scouts. Shout out to Juliette Lowe).

So I went to the table of kinder moms waiting for this information I had come for. What I really wanted to know was how big of a time commitment it is. That’s all. If someone could have told me that, I’d have packed up and walked out.

The first thing the lady tells us is that, well, sorry, this troop has no leader. Right then, the record stopped. It was like someone asked who farted. All eyes went down and no one wanted to make eye contact with anyone else. Then one nice lady volunteered, as long she has an assistant. Great…let’s get down to the information, please. It’s bath night and I have a shit storm brewing at home:

Where are the meetings? Well, that depends. It’s hard to reserve the MPR.

When are the meetings? We don’t know yet. It depends on the leader’s schedule.

How long are the meetings? It depends on the activity.

How many meetings per month? Well, it depends…sometimes one, or maybe a field trip, but none in December or January.

Is there a commitment on the weekend?

Wait for it….IT DEPENDS.

So, there you have it folks. The only information I left with is that there might possibly be a Daisy Troop, it may or may not meet during the week, I may or may not have to commit to the weekends, and they sell cookies. Oh, and also, it is obvious they haven’t caught up with the Boy Scouts in the preparation department.