Beware

Hello there peeps. Yes…I’m still alive. Barely (just kidding). I won’t bore you with the crappy and boring excuses on which I blame my slacker factor. Suffice it to say: I’m pretty much a looney tune.

In this installment I will be discussing all the people who are in danger of being deleted from my Facebook friend list.

There are some things I am just plain old tired of seeing and reading on Facebook. It’s high time someone called attention to it.

We all dabble in a little Facebook annoyance every now and again. It is the repeat offenders I am talking to here. So if you are a habitual breaker of any of my new guidelines, beware: you’re in danger of being deleted (like you care, I know).

1. Potty Reporters: People, I know it might come as a shock, but no one gives a rat’s ass if your kid poops on the potty. Whether it’s the first occurrence or fortieth. Eventually, all kids excrete into the proper receptacle. Fast forward in your mind to a time when it will be of no significance to you. That’s where the rest of us are standing.

2. Self Portrait Photographers: This is a phenomenon around which I cannot wrap my head. Please make it stop. I have not one time EVER felt the urge to photograph myself in the bathroom mirror (or anywhere else for that matter). We get the hint…you think you look great and want everyone to know it. But here’s a tip: when you make a duck face, you look thoroughly ridiculous. That’s a fact.

3. The Complainers: There is no doubt that I am what you might call a serial complainer. My dad once gave me a little pin that said, “The more you complain, the longer God lets you live”. But come on…the world wide web doesn’t need to know when you have a headache, or if your pecs are sore, or if you got up at 5:00 am. I can assure you most people could think of a million things worse than what you are lamenting in a public forum. Get a grip.

4. Husband Braggers: Listen ladies, understand something…we ALL think we have the best husband on the face of the earth (and in my case it’s actually true…haha) so lets not try to one up each other by husband bragging. We don’t need to know what awesome gifts he gives you or how romantic and thoughtful he is. We know YOU think so; you married him. He’s clearly off the market so we don’t need to see his resume. We all know what a Tiffany box looks like. You don’t need to post a picture of yours to make yourself feel extra special. Keep it to yourself. It’s totally obnoxious.

5. Exercise Braggers: No one jumps off the couch and cheers for you when you announce to the Facebook universe that you are headed out to get “shredded” or had the best workout of your life. Again, bragging of any kind is so freaking annoying. Most of us exercise. And most of us realize this is not earth shattering.

6. Kid Braggers: I am so happy for you that your kid eats Brussels sprouts doused in wheat germ. That is awesome. Now, how do you think that makes a mother feel whose child eats, say, only peanut butter three times a day? Like garbage. But guess what…my kids are taller and stronger than yours because peanut butter gives you super powers (and their dad is a certified giant) so they could put your kid in a Figure Four faster than you can say “quinoa”. So quit trying to make yourself feel terrific by making others feel like shit (this could be applied to all FB bragging in general).

7. Food Braggers: Please spare us the pictures of your gourmet dinner. Really, no one wants to see it. It’s so pretentious. My dinner was probably a lot less pretty but a whole lot more delicious. Let’s leave it at that.

8. Cryptic Messengers: Here’s the deal: either you want us to know something or you don’t. If you want us to know, TELL US OUTRIGHT. We are not mind readers. No one knows what “hoping to get some good news” means. If you don’t want us to know, DON’T BOTHER MENTIONING IT AT ALL. If you do, spell it out for us. Simple as that.

9. Over Sharers: Look, we are totally interested in your kid’s First Holy Communion. I love seeing pics of my friends’ kids. But for the love of Kodak, I do not have time to scroll through 300 photos. Ten or so are probably sufficient. Even 30 are acceptable. So throttle back all you Annie Leibovitz wannabes.

10. Mundane Chore Reporters: Newsflash: We all do housework. And most of us probably don’t like it. So why would we want to hear about yours? It isn’t necessary to let us know when you are cleaning your toilets. This falls under the “nobody gives a shit” category. In general, we should all be staying out of this area.

11. Have Nothing To Say-ers: Remember when your mother told you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Well…that sort of applies to Facebook too. If you don’t have anything interesting, entertaining or even remotely amusing to share, just skip it. Nobody is interested in, “hmmmm…gonna eat breakfast then clean my ear wax and who knows what the rest of the day will bring!” I mean take a step back and look at that status objectively. The boring factor is off the chart.

That’s all folks. I know you are thinking of some FB habits that make your skin crawl. Feel free to share.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to having my two year old read The Giving Tree aloud to me (because my workout today was super long and hard and ran late) while the duck confit cooks for my super hunky husband who brought me flowers and a diamond necklace home after work (I’ll post 45 pictures of me posing in the mirror wearing it later) and I’ll sit patiently while I wait for a very important phone call……