Wuhan Clan (You Either Get It or You Don’t)

Listen. I’m not a doctor. I don’t even play one on tv. But I wanna talk about Coronavirus even though I’m not even slightly qualified. You may also know it as the Wuhan virus. (Is it just me, or is anyone else compelled to chant “shark bait! Wu-ha-han!” like Nemo’s friends gathered around a volcano?)

As of this writing, there have been about 6,100 cases of this virus worldwide. Approximately 6,000 of them have been in China. The global death toll stands at 132. Pretty scary stuff, right?

But the total number of confirmed cases in the US is five. 1, 2, 3, 4, FIVE. We’ve (thankfully) had a whopping zero deaths and I hope it stays that way.

So then why is everyone freaking the eff out over this coronavirus? It’s Wuhan virus this, coronavirus that. It’s on the news all day, errry day. We’re on Wuhan Watch 2020. We’re screening incoming passengers at 15 different international airports. We are not about to let coronavirus just waltz in here and make itself at home. We are mad as hell and not gonna take it.

To be clear, I am in no way downplaying this severity of this virus. I do know it’s a real danger to the world. It is sure as shit not welcome here. China, I will happily receive your cell phones, running shoes and Claire’s jewelry, but you can keep your weird snake market virus to yourself.

This whole thing kinda reminds me of that time we were all on Ebola Watch of 2016 when there were 11 patients with Ebola in the US. We were all scrambling for the exits. Like “oh hellll nah get these peeps out of here! We could die! Find us a vaccine!!” Ebola killed two people here. Two.

What if I were to tell you there is another extremely dangerous and highly contagious virus sweeping the United States? That so far, this year alone, somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 million people have been infected with it. People, that’s a one and a five followed by SIX zeroes. Approximately 8,500 people have died from it already and that number will multiply before the season is over. Last year that final number was somewhere in the neighborhood of 60,000. Are you panicking yet? Ready to Amazon Prime yourself a box of surgical masks? Want people to be screened before being allowed to sneeze into large crowds? Wondering how the hell you can avoid this plague and what the hell it is?

It’s influenza. THE FLU IS PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE. Well, number 8 actually. It’s the 8th leading cause of death in the United States. It’s just below diabetes and just above kidney disease and suicide which round out the top ten.

So, to compare: Zero deaths from the front-page Wuhan virus. Two from Ebola. 8,500 so far this year from the flu. (Around 55,000 died from flu the year of the Ebola debacle).

Would people take it more seriously with an exotic name like Fluhan virus? Or maybe Michelobvirus? Apparently so.

The flu is NO JOKE people. I can’t wrap my mind around the lackadaisical attitude surrounding the flu and it’s vaccine. It kills a lot of people. It even sometimes kills otherwise perfectly healthy people. I mean, if only there was a way to prevent some of those deaths…

Oh wait…there is. But a lot of people don’t believe in certain brands of science. I imagine a lot of them would probably come around real quick in the unfortunate event they were hospitalized for flu and needed life saving medications and/or treatment from “Big Pharma,” but don’t even get me started on that.

The flu definitely does not have the street cred it deserves. We should be treating it like the serious virus it is. Need pointers? Well it’s your lucky day. I’m full of pro tips. The first of which is to get a damn flu shot. Duh. But if you happen to get sick, you should follow these simple rules:

STAY HOME.

KEEP YOUR SICK KIDS HOME.

Don’t go to school/work.

Don’t go on vacation.

Don’t go to Chuck E. Cheese (actually I recommend steering clear of Chuck E. Cheese at any time).

Don’t go to sporting events.

Don’t go to family gatherings.

Don’t go to performances.

Don’t go to conventions.

Don’t use public transit.

Just don’t.

But see, here’s where it gets seems to get a little tricky for people. Don’t go EVEN IF:

You need to save your PTO for your upcoming cruise.

Your kid has a big game.

You have no babysitter.

You think you’re needed at a meeting.

Your kid has field day at school.

You made plans to travel to Dollywood.

You have tickets to a good show.

Your kid has a big test.

You have annual passes to Disneyworld that are about to expire.

None of these things are more important than keeping your flu to yourself, no matter how extenuating you think your circumstances are. If you wouldn’t do it if you came home from a Wuhanian vacation with coronavirus, then you shouldn’t do it if you have the boring old flu.

I get it. It’s inconvenient. Easy for me to say since I’m a stay at home mom and all that jazz. But do you want to be responsible for giving a person a deadly flu virus just because you got Celine Dion tickets via pre-sale for your birthday and you already had t shirts made? For some people with the flu, their hearts won’t go on. Lit-er-a-lly.

My very unscientific opinion is that flu is a much greater threat to Americans at this time. I’m all for remaining vigilant for the Wuhan virus. It is a precarious situation, no doubt. But the flu is the OG virus. Don’t let it fool you. It’s much more of a threat to you and me than the Wu ha-han, at least for now.

But like I said, there are no medical degrees hanging on my wall. They don’t sell those at Hobby Lobby. 🤷🏻‍♀️

(PS-AS GOD AS MY WITNESS…if the Wuhan virus shows up in Florida and my sister bails on this race she dragged me into, I will unleash on China (and my sister) the fury of a woman who has agonized step by step on multiple long training runs for which her 43 years old hips are not equipped. I will be seeking monetary compensation for this pain and suffering with the assistance of 1-800-ASK-GARY. Consider yourselves warned).

Flupidity

Listen, friends. I’m currently sporting my specialized brand of holiday anxiety. This is not the time to try me. I’m engineering the runaway train bound for Christmas. Trees, decorations, outfits, pictures, concerts, gift exchanges, cards, shopping, school parties. ALL OF IT. I’m livin’ on a razor’s edge here so it’s easier than a mincemeat pie to tip me over it, (what IS a mincemeat pie anyway?)

Well people, I’ve been tipped.

Attention please: STOP BEING SO MOTHER FLUFFING FLUPID.

The first step for eradicating utter flupidity (flu stupidity) is by getting a flu shot. I can’t even fully digress because I might blow a blood vessel. But get a damn flu shot. If you think flu shots are dumb, or you get your medical data from Reddit, or you claim to have gotten the flu from the flu shot, immediately go to cdc.gov or any other REPUTABLE source and educate yourselves. And if you think the government and “big pharma” are in on a flu shot selling, people killing conspiracy which makes you leery of the CDC, just keep walking. I don’t have time for your brand of oils. I would also implore you to speak to the parent of an immunocompromised or legit vaccine averse child but I ain’t got time for introductions today.

Know why?

It’s heeeeeeeere. The dreaded three letter word: FLU. It has arrived at our school and I’m officially triggered. Not because it’s out there. It is winter after all. And not even because people choose to reject the one and only thing that can prevent it.

I’m triggered because my kid is coming home and telling me that other kids are coming to school looking like death. PEOPLE ARE KNOWINGLY SENDING THEIR KIDS TO SCHOOL SICK.

Listen. I’m just gonna say it. You’re an asshole if you send your kid to school sick. You are a special kind of asshole if you send your kid to school with the flu.

Now, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt here, and assume that the kids going to school sick haven’t officially tested positive for flu. BUT IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER. There are exactly NO situations in which ANY child in ANY school should be sent to school symptomatic. ZERO. And they sure as shit should not show up with a fever (not even one kept at bay with medicine for four hours at a time).

Yeah, yeah. Easy for me to say, you’re thinking. I am a stay at home mom and don’t have to worry about sick time and missed work. Right?

WRONG.

School is NOT a babysitting service. Your level of inconvenience over your sick child does NOT trump the health of other children. Full stop.

But you know what’s worse than sending a sick kid to school so you don’t have to burn a sick day? Sending your sick kid to school so s/he is eligible to play in a sporting event.

If your kid is a five-star recruit and this is the state championship of his senior year, coming to school visibly ill is inconsiderate. If your kid is just a run of the mill athlete and this is middle school B-league sports, it is irresponsible and selfish.

But you wanna know what makes it downright abhorrent?

When another kid on the team is immunocompromised because he’s being treated with chemotherapy for cancer.

PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT AND DEEP, CALMING BREATHS.

Look. My kids are fully and responsibly vaccinated. I’m pumping them with elderberry, constantly telling them to wash their hands and keeping my fingers crossed. I don’t want to see my child suffering with the flu for a week during the holidays or any other time. We’ve been there. It sucks Christmas balls.

But for the love of Baby Jesus, this is not about my kids. Well maybe it is a little, it’s about all kids, really.

But this is ESPECIALLY about the kid undergoing chemo treatments. The kid who cannot afford to get sick because it can interrupt his chemo schedule. This is ESPECIALLY about the kid who has a sibling at home whose immunity was wiped out by his cancer treatment. It’s about the kid who could end up hospitalized for the same thing your kid can suck it up at school with.

These kids actually exist in our school. And whoever you are, you know it.

Shame on you.

Choosing to do this means that you are willing to put other children’s lives and/or life-saving cancer treatments at risk for your own convenience or for the desires of your own otherwise healthy kid.

That makes you a grade-A jerk.

Parents, PLEASE. PLEASE! I’M BEGGING! Think about other people, other kids, healthy and not. Don’t act selfishly at the risk of harming others. Don’t send your kid to school sick. Not around the holidays—not ever.

Be kind. Be considerate. Have a little compassion. Try to imagine what it would feel like if it was YOUR child who could suffer catastrophically because of someone else’s selfish decision. That’s a paralyzing anxiety that some parents live with every day. Be sensitive to that. Game or no game, test or no test, concert or no concert, keep your effing germs at home. Someone else’s life may actually depend on it.

In other words: DON’T BE A FLUPID ASSHOLE.

(Sorry for the choice ragey words and shouty caps. Also, If this sounds judgey, that’s because it unapologetically is).

Halftime

This picture tells you all you need to know about our current state of affairs. I’m eating a pasta dinner out of a Tupperware off a plastic fork behind the wheel of my car. See, I’m in a rush to get to the next activity pickup, but I’m also perilously close to starvation.

This is where we are, folks. It’s halftime.

We’ve had these (not so) little girls about half the time we will have them in our grasp, give or take. We’re in that weird time warp between threenagers and teenagers where we don’t have to pack Goldfish for church anymore, but we do have to remind them to put on deodorant in the morning and there is SO MUCH SHIT TO DO.

Remember when they were toddlers and you would ask yourself, “hmmmm…what can we do to fill the time between nap and dinner today?”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Excuse me while I choke on this cherry tomato.

This is the middle season of parenting; the season of mad chaos. It’s the age of afternoon over-scheduling and blurring days. I’m not going to bore you with the details of my weekly M-ubering schedule (what I will tell you is that I’m on a first name basis with the service guy at the car dealership), but ‘tis the season of rushing and sports and lessons and homework and orthodontist appointments and driving and dinner on the go. And doing it all over again, almost every day.

Come to think of it, this halftime closely resembles a Super Bowl halftime show. It’s chaotic, yet carefully synchronized. It takes a lot of strategic planning. The stars of the show don’t do much besides show up for the applause and sometimes complain about the temperature of their Fiji water. The real magic happens behind the scenes and is left to the show’s executive producer who, coincidentally, also serves as stage hand, stylist, craft services manager, chauffeur, logistics coordinator, time keeper, schedule maker and travel booker. Spoiler: it’s me. Another spoiler: I’m raggedy as Ann and it’s only October.

Some of this halftime (shit) show is a Katy Perry shark dancing train wreck, and there are too many wardrobe malfunctions to count (sometimes in a pinch, you Febreze that dirty jersey or make her wear the rubber-bottom trampoline park socks from the back of the car to practice). But, as they say, the show must go on. We pack the next uniform and snack and move to the next thing.

Halftime is short, I know. There is a lot to cram into a limited amount of time. We only get a small window to put on the show of a lifetime. We’re supposed to cherish it, but sometimes it’s just too tiring.

When the halftime show is over—in the blink of an eye I’m told—the lights will go down and my production skills will be obsolete, no longer necessary. When the third quarter begins, I suspect I will be well-rested and calm(ish). But also a little sad and bored.

So, I will try to weather the madness of our halftime with appreciation, knowing that the time will surely come when I wistfully long to go back to the chaotic, exhausting days when my girls were young, and I ate pasta dinners out of a Tupperware off a plastic fork behind the wheel of my car.

This is where we are, folks. It’s halftime.

All Out May-Hem

(Edited version for 2019 written by an even more tired and hardened room mom).

Hey y’all…it’s me…End-of-Year Room Mom. The real one this time. I’m no longer the side kick. Funny how that seems to happen. (Someone somewhere is yelling ha-ha suckaaaaa!)

If you’re familiar with the original version of this post, you’ll notice I have relinquished my (assistant) Team Mom title (ha-ha suckaaaaa!) Nancy Reagan would be so proud of me for just saying no.

I’m sure we all remember the lady who wrote about the End-of-Year Mom compared to the Beginning-of-Year Mom. Being End-of-Year mom is enough of a shit show. Well add End-of-Year Room Mom to that and you’ve got a full blown Barnum and Bailey situation.

So here I (barely) stand on May 14th with the number of shits I give rapidly approaching zero. At this juncture, I’m really hoarding my shits-to-give for important matters like keeping my children fed and alive. But now I’ve got all these school and extra curricular responsibilities and I am feeling super verklempt. If I have your phone number, you probably already know this as evidenced by my late night text tirades.

I mean we made it through the third quarter, got our precious angels through standardized testing, survived the science fair (don’t EVEN get me started on the science fair, but in case you’re curious, the kitchen sink is dirtier than the toilet), had a very late spring break, got a taste of summer and now I’m officially over this school year. O-VER. It’s official: we are all done-zo.

And y’all…just a side note: the original version of this was written in 2015 when my big girl was finishing third grade. Well, FYI, seventh grade is laughing it’s ASS off at third grade right now.

So here we are again: instead of going out like a lamb, we’re going out like a rabid lion on some bad crack because someone decided it’s a good idea to pack the biggest punch for the last few weeks of school WHEN EVERYONE’S SHIT BUCKETS ARE DANGEROUSLY DEPLETED.

When we get to the month of May, I simply don’t have the extra shits-to-give for field day, team banquet (including fundraising, silent auction and table themes), end of year parties, field trips, class retreats, school concerts, overnight volleyball tournaments, teacher appreciation week, dance recitals, middle school dances and more.

You know, the school year is kind of like a pregnancy. The first quarter of school is kinda like the first trimester of pregnancy when you’re all aglow and over the moon and dying to show off your bump. But then eight months and two weeks in you are ready to carve the baby out of your own abdomen with a pair of tweezers to end the misery because you are SO TOTALLY OVER IT. Well, that, my friends, is May.

So I would like to file a motion with the powers-that-be. I move that we do a better job of spreading out some of our festivities. I would have so much more enthusiasm for these events in the earlier stages of the year. Imagine our freshness and willingness to hit that Sign-Up genius like Conor McGregor if we weren’t bombarded with so many things at once. Shoot, we might not even be in a life or death battle for beating everyone to swipe the paper goods first but might actually be willing to wash and cut up strawberries. (I may or may not have a reputation for being the Sign Up Genius swiper. Early bird gets the worm, not sorry).

For example…

I mean, Lord knows I LOVE the teachers. Like love, love. But couldn’t we choose to show them our love when we’re still in the honeymoon phase? Say, early to mid November? Better yet, just get it out of the way the first week of school before we hate homework and they’re sick of our kids? (Don’t kid yourselves…they are definitely sick of our kids).

Perhaps we START the volleyball season with a kick off party instead of a ending it on a school night in May when just getting homework done and basic hygiene taken care of is tantamount to water boarding?

Maybe let’s have field day and outdoor field trips in February when people aren’t sick of being asked for favors like bringing wheelie coolers to school and setting up sun canopies. Added bonus: it’s not Hades hot outside and all the chaperones wouldn’t have uncontrollable under-boob and butt crack sweat. Come on, it’s FLORIDA.

Now, let me stop you before you get out your miniature violins. I have to say that I really do love being a mom and I feel privileged to be able to be a part of all the school/sports things. I am grateful for that. Truly.

But at this point in the school year, similar to my kids’ school shoes, I am frazzled and haggard beyond recognition. We are all just trying to hold on until the last day of school at which point we can fall apart. Shoes, lunch boxes, backpacks, homework folders and Mom–we’re all tattered and worn just trying to hang on by a thread for those last couple weeks in May.

So June 5, I’m coming for you. Fifteen school days and then, in the words of the incomparable Flo Rida, it’s GDFR.

**Stay tuned for my summer post in which I cry tears of madness because my children are going at it Hunger Games style with all the extra time on our hands.

Muffins

I see all you moms today with your lack of crows feet and your naturally colored roots posing in your cute photo frames with your paper mache flowers hashtagging the crap out of #muffinswithmom.

Guess what. When your baby is 9 years old, no muffins for you (Soup Nazi voice).

You know what that’s called? Age discrimination. Sorry, I believe the politically correct term is “ageism”.

Why don’t we get muffins? Who decided we are too old for the muffins?

I would argue that we, the moms of middle aged kids, need the damn muffins more. Sure, our metabolisms are a little slower and we’re a little softer in the middle. And we have no figs left to give about swim lessons, potty training, microwave mac and cheese and dino nuggets.

But we are in constant mourning over our babies turning into big kids. Facebook memories are stabbing us in the hearts every morning over our coffee and Fiber One. All the more reason to feed us the damn muffins.

We may not be mama or mommy anymore, but we are still moms. And we still like the photo frames and paper mache flowers. And we would give our left arms for just one more of those precious yet somewhat humiliating “All About My Mom” surveys.

There’s so much we don’t have anymore. We don’t have small, chubby hands to hold in parking lots. We don’t have fresh Mustela baby heads to sniff. We don’t have thumbsuckers or lovies. We don’t have anyone to read stories to in the rocking chair. We don’t have toothless faces smiling at us. Gone. It’s all gone in the blink of an eye.

SO DON’T TAKE THE DAMN MUFFINS FROM OUR DRY, WRINKLED HANDS TOO.

Throw us a bone up here in the middle ages. Or a muffin. Whatever.

Actually. Screw that. We want the donuts. Why did the dads get donuts? We were the ones with the stitches (uptown or downtown). We earned the donuts. We DESERVE the donuts.

Sorry, not sorry dads.

Frozen Memories

My sister Dani and I are the first and second children out of five. Since we’re essentially just one year apart, we always came as a package deal. We were basically one kid more commonly known as DaniandSuzy.

“DaniandSuzy, come inside!”

“DaniandSuzy, clean your room!”

“Where are DaniandSuzy?”

“DaniandSuzy, take your bath!”

We pretty much did everything together. I’m sure at this point everyone in my family would want the audience to know that I bossed her around and she always happily acquiesced to my myriad demands. Me the bossy britches, Dani the pleaser. I guess some things never change. Whatevs.

As children, we spent almost our holidays at our Nanny Sally’s small, brick house on Henderson Road. It was homey, loud and crowded with a colorful cast of characters who weren’t all blood related.

We loved Nanny’s house. It was lively and so comfortable. I loved the way it smelled of stale cigarette smoke and food cooking. There were collector’s bottles of Wild Turkey whiskey lining the family room shelves, and ribbon candy in a glass dish on top of the console television. We were allowed to drink Diet Pepsis out of the outdoor fridge. We had so much fun there. So many happy memories were made in that house and yard.

We had a lot of cousins to play with on holidays at Nanny’s. Some were older, some younger, but we had hours of fun with them. We also had two older step-cousins named Jimmy and Larry whom we didn’t really know that well and only occasionally made an appearance. Their feathered hairstyles were so rad. In stark contrast to our Catholic school girl naïveté, they were totally edgy and a lot more worldly. Let’s face it, though. It wasn’t that hard to be more worldly than the Clark girls. We couldn’t have been more sheltered if we lived permanently in a farm cellar in a one-horse town in Oklahoma. Bless our hearts.

On one particular holiday at Nanny’s in 1988, things got a little weird for us, the easily shockable cellar children, DaniandSuzy.

When Larry, one of the step-cousins, appeared after a multi-holiday hiatus looking a little like Alice Cooper (that may or may not be a slight exaggeration), we were equal parts fascinated and terrified.

Larry proceeded to tell us he had joined a “death metal” band. This was quite the revelation to us, as “death metal” wasn’t exactly in our wheelhouse crowded with Debbie Gibson, Wilson Phillips and the like. We had no idea what “death metal” actually meant, but the sound of it kind of gave us the urge to clutch a rosary and give ourselves a little holy water spritzer.

I wondered silently how “death metal” might differ from “heavy metal”; how, exactly, the musical metals were differentiated. For the record, I’m still unclear on that in 2019.

Larry treated us to a sampling of his band’s signature song which I immediately classified as “devil music” due to all the anti-Satanic videos Catholic schools were peddling in the 80’s. The song was quite memorable, and, I dare say, a little disturbing.

I would pay big bucks for a still picture of our faces during that performance.

After that all-day holiday affair in 1988 no doubt consisting of eating dry turkey and delicious scalloped potatoes, trying on Nanny’s jewelry, using her adding machine, doing “routines” and watching the dads and uncles play poker with nickels and dimes, we went home with those experiences—and the death metal revelation—filed away in our cache of childhood memories.

We reminisce often about all the good times we had at Nanny’s house. It’s interesting how our perspectives and memories differ. Dani probably doesn’t remember that I wouldn’t eat Nanny’s cheeseburgers because they always seemed to taste like tin foil, or what it sounded like when Nanny’s heels stuck with each step to her wedge “slippers” as she walked. And I’m sure there are things tucked in Dani’s memory that have escaped mine.

But even more interesting is how some of those memories are frozen in our minds in exactly the same way, to be thawed out on a random Tuesday night while I fold laundry.

Which brings me back to Larry, whom I don’t think we’ve seen or heard from since that holiday in 1988, so I’m unsure about how things went for the band (but if I was a betting gal, I would say not great).

Last night, Dani suspected she found Larry on Facebook under a different name. When she texted to ask if I thought she was right, the death metal band memory immediately floated to the surface. I mean, obvi.

I asked Dani to jog my memory for the name of Larry’s band. I immediately received this text back:

FROZEN AMPUTEES.

Bingo. It all came flooding back at once.

I guffawed, furiously typing a reply that surged through my fingers as Dani’s gray text bubbles blinked simultaneously:

I looked in the freezer,

And what did I see?

A frozen amputee staring at me!

LITERALLY, as I hit send, I received this message back:

I looked in the freezer,

And what did I see?

A frozen amputee staring at me!

You guessed it: those were none other than the lyrics to Frozen Amputees’ 1988 (not so) smash hit, coincidentally titled Frozen Amputee.

Y’all probably heard us laughing all the way up and down the Atlantic coast. We cried with laughter. CRIED TEARS.

We both had some explaining to do when we startled our husbands with the sudden howling. How does one even begin to unravel, completely out of context, the story of a step-cousin in a death metal band called Frozen Amputees who sung in the 80’s about hacked up bodies when she can’t even catch her breath to get any words out over all the hysterical laughing? I tried my best. Maybe you just had to be there.

Clearly, cousin Larry, his death metal band and his jolting song lyrics were indelibly imprinted on both of our very impressionable young psyches. We both held that memory tightly in the back of our 40-something year old minds until a random weeknight on which I needed a good laugh. It really hit the spot.

You see, even though now we are grown-up moms with families of our own, living very different lives and separated by several hundred miles, these treasured memories that marked us, and the belly laughter they evoke, are really the fibers that will always hold DaniandSuzy together.

DaniandSuzy circa 1977. She was smiling even though I was probably pinching her thigh.

DaniandSuzy many years prior to being exposed to the death metal genre.

No caption necessary.

13

My girl is 13 today. I am the mother of a teenager. Someone please hold my purse while I take a long pull from a stiff drink.

Before I gave birth to her, I had big plans to leave the hospital dressed in the cute outfit I had pre-selected with blown out hair and a little makeup to make myself look presentable. But 24 hours after the utter shock and awe of labor and delivery and all that comes with having a human being pulled from your body—including zero winks of sleep for 48 hours—that mission was aborted.

Instead, I plopped myself in that departing wheel-chariot dressed in a pair of huge gray Nike sweatpants that said OREGON across the booty (and partially exposed my mesh undies because in 2006 we were still wearing the stupid low riders), a light pink nursing pajama top stretched over my huge boobs, a pair of untied tennis shoes on my sausage feet and a head of ratty, greasy hair on which you could have fried a dozen chicken wings.

I was blindsided by new motherhood. I was panic stricken over my new job title. I didn’t think I could do it. I looked and felt like I had been hit head-on by a truck which then immediately backed over me. It wasn’t pretty. The inside or the out.

Well I’m here to tell you: thirteen is the return of the Mack.

Just when you think the hardest stuff is in your review mirror because you can sleep in on the weekends and read books poolside without worrying about anyone drowning, think again. BAM. Thirteen hits you right in the mouth.

Today might officially be her first day of being thirteen, but trust me when I tell you, “thirteen” doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s a state of being that develops in middle school and we’ve been parked here for a minute.

Sometimes I still feel like I can’t do it. On some days, thirteen has me right back in that wheelchair feeling like that drained, exhausted, clueless, brand new mom all over again (minus the low rise pants because of my current muffin top situation).

Thirteen is a a shit show of wild emotions, a clash of wills, mind boggling irrationality and what seems like some sort of hormonal psychosis. She is the star and we are the supporting cast. God help us.

But you know what? Thirteen is also looking through the peephole at her future. It’s getting a glimpse of what she will become.

She’s as stubborn as a mule, but she knows exactly what she wants and she goes after it.

She’s a real bossy britches, but she’s not going to let anyone push her around.

She’s as loud as a freight train and suffers from severe voice immodulation, but there’s no mistaking what she has to say.

She usually looks like a hobo and I suspect rats have taken up residence in her hair, but she couldn’t care less about what other people think of her appearance.

She NEVER. STOPS. TALKING, but she’s confiding in me.

She’s as argumentative as the day is long, but she’ll stand up for what she believes is right.

Her backpack looks like the bottom of a rotten city dumpster, but there’s a method to her madness and she’s a self-motivated, straight A student.

She’s super opinionated, but she possesses strong faith and convictions.

She’s fiercely independent and shuts me out at times, but she rightfully owns all of her accomplishments.

She’s a bull in a China shop with her almost 6 foot wingspan and size 12 flippers so put away your breakables when you see her coming, but she’s free spirited, carefree and has a positive body image.

Really, she’s becoming everything I ever hoped for right before my eyes: a smart, confident, driven, principled, kind, happy, secure, independent, God fearing young lady. I’m very proud of who she is so I’ll grit my teeth and embrace it all: the good, the bad and the holy-shit-who-is-this-kid?

But she may just drive me to drink while I’m hanging on for dear life.

So, cheers to thirteen.

The Sanctimommy’s Guide to Being an A$$hole Blog Troll

1. Lose your sense of humor IMMEDIATELY. Humor has absolutely no place in the satirical blogosphere. Or in parenting for that matter.

2. Right out of the gate, tell the writer why she’s doing such a bad job at being a mom. Use shouty caps and emojis to grab her attention like retching sounds in the backseat of her minivan. Then immediately back it up with concrete examples of her utter failure as a mother. She is clearly unaware of her own ineptitude. Anonymously pointing out other people’s faults is a privilege of the internet. Take full advantage.

3. Declare that you and your kids are “far from perfect” so you seem credible and relatable, but then immediately qualify that by illustrating to the writer how you and your kids are actually superior because you don’t really mean it. You and your kids ARE perfect. Full stop.

4. Give specific, real world examples of how you are doing a better job as a mom. You never carried a screaming kid out of a store football style? Congratulations. Ed McMahon will arrive with your check and balloons in short order. But in the meantime, please advise. Otherwise, how will the writer know how to correct her inferior mothering style?

5. Use words like I, me, my, and mine. A LOT. Let the writer know what works for YOU ‘cause she definitely wants the scoop on your parenting secrets. Why else would she write about her infinite shortcomings? Her writing is really just a cry for help.

6. Be sure to point out the existence of a deep root cause of the writer’s “anger,” “sadness,” or “trauma,” and urge her to mindfully reflect on it because obvi she has zero self awareness. Suggest yoga or guided mediation. If you sell essential oils, tout them unabashedly (maybe she’ll even join your team).

7. Shame is the name of the game, ladies. Shame the writer like nobody’s business. Really hit a homer by using the phrase “her poor children”.

8. Judge the ever-loving SHIT out of the writer. But be sure to base that judgement SOLEY on those isolated 1000 words you read while you pooped this morning. Especially if it’s the one and only blog post of hers that you have ever read. With your extensive background information of never having met her or her children, assume whatever you please about them. You’re almost definitely probably right. Because, I mean let’s face it, you always are. (Shrug).

9. Generously offer the writer your condolences. Hide your harsh judgement in the form of patronizing pity. In your most condescending tone, apologize for her being so uninformed, damaged, or unhappy. Even though her kid has croup, she’ll sleep more soundly knowing that your self-righteous sympathy is with her.

10. Use cringe-worthy grammar and punctuation. This should be easy when you’re typing with such furious rage and superiority (but don’t forget to disguise it as sympathy).

11. Even if the piece isn’t about vaccines, relate your comment to your belief on vaccinating children. This will really stir up a shit storm.

12. GIF. IT. UP. with eye rolls, face palms, and head shakes. Remember the writer can’t actually see you so visual aids are most helpful.

13. Childless folks: ALWAYS be the first to comment and express your disgust at the writer’s inadequacy as a mother. Be sure to list all the things you would NEVER DO, lest your kids turn out like her devils. Remember, she can’t hold a candle to your hypothetical excellence, but just for shits and giggles, spell out your magic formula for how you WOULD create angelic/genius/athletically gifted/obedient/kind/healthy children right there in the comments. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

14. Never retreat from giving advice on a parenting stage you haven’t been through yet. You’ve got a solid plan for that stage and it is a surefire winner-winner-chicken-dinner. Don’t be stingy with it.

15. Make sure to include related credentials if applicable, “As a (psychologist, child behaviorist, guidance counselor, school nurse, teacher, lactation consultant, scientist, doctor, nutritionist), I can tell you…” Your down talk will be much more credible if your area of expertise is mentioned.

16. Whatever you do, do NOT allow yourself to think of the writer as a real person with real feelings, and friends and family who love her. Do not, under any circumstances, mistake her for a good mom—just like you—doing her best to laugh so she doesn’t cry because motherhood is sometimes just a son-of-a-bitch.

Dumb, da-dumb, dumb….

Earlier I posted an article that points out how smartphones are destroying a generation of kids. Look. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad if their kid has a smartphone. To each his own. Mean it. I know a lot of freaking amazing parents whose kids have cell phones. I’m not judging. Pinky swear. (I will, however, cop to judging if you are breaking the car line protocol).

But even if your kid already has a phone, I think it’s important to pay attention anyway. The more you know…you know?

I feel like people think there’s no going back, though. As if you already gave your kid a phone, oh well, that ship has sailed—coulda, shoulda, woulda…

Well, here’s the good news: WE DA BOSSES.

Remember when you were a kid and your mom enraged you by saying, “when you’re a grown up, you can do whatever you want”? Well ta-da!!! Now’s your time to shine.

You wanna pull back on cell phone permission? Go for it. You can revert to the universal mom retort, “when you’re a grown up, you can do whatever you want”. That’s what it’s there for. Duh.

Seriously though. I felt like I should share the fact that I took the plunge. I got Anna Kate a phone. But she’s gonna rock that phone like it’s 2002 because it flips open and it’s dumb as shit.

That’s right. She is the reluctant owner of a DUMB PHONE. (They call them “basic” phones, FYI. I guess that makes iPhones “extra”). So if you wanna throw her under the bus and say, “don’t try me, kid…you’re not the ONLY one without an iPhone. I know for a fact Anna Kate has a dumb phone” well, be my guest. You’re welcome.

Power in numbers, friends.

Now, she still has her old “phone” that she is allowed to use only at home under strict supervision. That’s how we are very gradually learning to navigate the whole smart phone realm. We’ll get there someday I’m sure, but it won’t be any time real soon.

In the mean time, she’s OG Dumb Phone Posse.

Ya’ down wit’ DPP? (Yeah you know me).

Banished

Let me tell you a story…

Once upon a time there was a very nice, law abiding, outdoorsy man who wanted a new pair of binoculars for his 40th birthday trip to Colorado. So naturally, he made his way to the Bass Pro Shops website. He thoroughly researched a gazillion binoculars and cranked opened his wallet (which can be difficult for this nice fellow as he is also quite frugal) and chose a fancy-pants pair of Vortex binoculars. Lordy, Lordy look who’s 40…right through some brand new, crystal clear binoculars.

The binoculars, however, were on backorder. But “have no fear!” the Bass Pro Shops customer service agent said. “We will send them from a third party!” she said. The man was happy.

When the binoculars arrived, they did not appear new. There was tape on the box as though they had been previously gift wrapped. The packaging just didn’t look right. The disappointed man hardly even looked at the actual binoculars because he was too suspicious of the used appearance of the box. He paid for new binoculars, and dang it, he wanted new binoculars.

So he decided to return the binoculars to Bass Pro Shops and that’s exactly what he did.

He explained precisely why he was returning them. He didn’t have anything to hide. He had them in his possession for less than a day.

First, he asked to exchange them for another pair of the same binoculars. But they didn’t have another pair.

Then, he asked if they could ship him a pair that would arrive before his trip. They said no.

So he left the store with no binoculars, and his money refunded to his credit card.

Now apparently, after this nice man went home and reordered the exact same pair of binoculars from another store, someone in the Bass Pro Shops binoculars department decided to do a binoculars check.

Guess what. The binoculars the man returned were not the right binoculars. In fact, the binoculars he returned were only worth about 20% of the price of the ones he actually bought. There was a reason the packaging was suspect. The expensive binoculars he thought he was buying were switched for a low end pair of the same brand. But he was most definitely not the switcher.

So you know what Bass Pro did? Well, they called the law.

And about two weeks later, the law called the nice man on his way to pick up his daughter from gymnastics.

The fuzz told the man he was being investigated for felony grand theft. They thought HE was the binoculars swapper. The case was being referred to the state’s attorneys office. They would decide whether they would put out a warrant for his arrest.

The man was incredulous. He explained the story to the police investigator. He offered to show receipts and vehemently denied switching the binoculars. BECAUSE HE DID NOT.

**This is the part of the story where the narrator breaks in to give a little perspective a la the Burl Ives snowman in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer…

This man is not a scam artist or a criminal of any kind. Pretty much his only brush with the law involved a rolling stop off of I-680 in San Ramon, California circa 2009. He is a straight-laced, regular guy who, if we’re being frank here, can afford to buy his own binoculars without trying to scam Bass Pro Shops. He doesn’t have a dishonest bone in his giant body.

This man also has a serious love of the outdoors and some relatively expensive hobbies. The amount of money he has spent at @bassproshop in his adult life isn’t exactly chump change. He’s been a devoted customer for over 20 years. When they opened a store in his town, he was thrilled. He made almost weekly trips to the store during hunting season. He had a customer loyalty card for crying out loud. He had racked up beaucoup rewards dollars. Bottom line: he was an EXCELLENT, LOYAL customer for two decades. Now back to the story…**

After the worried man sought the advice of legal counsel, and a rather short investigation was carried out, police cleared him of any wrongdoing. There were no charges filed. No duh.

But Bass Pro Shops didn’t care that the police said there was no case. They did not care that there was ZERO evidence to show he was trying to pull off a binoculars scam. They would not let a suspected binoculars caper get off easy. Not even one who was a loyal, long time customer. No way, Jose.

So you know what they did?

THEY BANNED HIM FROM BASS PRO SHOPS FOR LIFE.

They told him that if he stepped foot into a Bass Pro Shops store, he would be trespassed and could be arrested. He would no longer be allowed to buy merchandise from Bass Pro Shops. NOT EVER.

They didn’t even have the decency to tell him he was banned until a gift card he purchased online didn’t show up for his dad’s birthday. When he called to investigate, they informed him of his lifetime banishment from Outdoor World.

So, this man, being the law abiding citizen he is, has not since shopped at Bass Pro Shops. Ain’t nobody got time to be thrown in the clink for buying deer corn.

His wife, however, was never accused of being a thief. She, too, has relatively expensive outdoor hobbies. So she sometimes placed orders in her name. A few times it worked.

Until it didn’t.

She ordered some hunting clothes and boots for her child who ASKED SANTA FOR THEM.

Why do they still patronize that store, you ask? Well, the nice man doesn’t because he’s not allowed. But the wife does because finding hunting clothes for girls isn’t all that easy, and when Santa is asked, Santa delivers.

Until he doesn’t.

The order never showed up. The man’s panicking wife called Bass Pro Shops to ask where her kid’s clothes went.

Wait for it…

She is banned too.

FOREVER.

They connected Bonnie to Clyde. The jig is up.

Their money is no good in Sportsman’s Paradise.

So RIP Bass Pro Shops. You are dead to them. Hope it was worth it.

**And to the a-hole who actually DID swap those binoculars, I hope 100 mangy cats die under your house after they have soaked every surface of it with pungent kitty piss. Oh, and also I hope you miss every shot you take at an animal you look at through those fancy-pants binoculars you stole.**

The End.