Self-Checkout

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“Girllll…I know you don’t need my help…you’re a regular.”–Target Customer Service Associate
Here are two things you may or may not know about me:
1. I love the sounds and feels of buttons and scanners so my childhood dream was to be a grocery cashier.
2. I have only two speeds: sleeping and get-out-of-my-way-I’m-in-a-hurry.
For the reasons listed above, self-checkout* is my JAM. I am an expert level self-cashier, if I do say so myself.
But for crying out loud, people. The self checkout is NOT for everyone.
I stand by the assertion that one should be a card-carrying graduate of a self-checkout proficiency exam before being awarded the privilege of using a self checkout.
But since that’s not likely to happen…
I hereby submit in writing (at no cost to the consumer) the official, universal self checkout user guidelines.** (Not to brag, but aside from being a self proclaimed self-checkout boss, I’ve got a couple technical writing college credits under my belt so I’m obviously more than qualified).
THE SELF CHECKOUT IS NOT FOR YOU IF:***
  • You forgot your glasses.
  • You can’t read English.
  • You have one or more arms in a cast.
  • It takes more than one individual to decipher the instructions and operate the kiosk.
  • You have a price matching dispute.
  • You are purchasing inventory for your snack bar/restaurant/gas station/concession stand.
  • You are attempting to purchase alcohol without an ID (nice try).
  • You left your parking garage ticket in your car on another level.
  • You are purchasing obscenely more than the approved number of items.
  • You are a super couponer.
  • Your credit card is in danger of being declined.
  • You are unable to locate UPC codes with a high level of speed and accuracy.
  • You do not know the zip code of your package destination.
  • You are purchasing an item that requires the removal of an anti-theft device.
  • You are the single present caregiver of a threenager in a delirious rage.
  • Your purchase requires a flat bed rolling pallet (exceptions granted for less than five extremely large items, e.g. mattresses and/or box springs).
  • You are purchasing an item locked in a cage at customer service.
  • Your package won’t fit in the slot.
  • You are requesting a price adjustment.

If you do not feel inclined to follow these guidelines, then kindly allow me to cut in front of you. I am happy to demonstrate how it’s done. Hell, I’ll even check out your items for you. You can time me if you want. I welcome the challenge.

*For clarification, I am referring to all varieties of self serving kiosk (grocery, parking, post office, etc.).

**I reserve the right to amend these rules at any time.

**All scenarios (unfortunately) based on true stories.