Today was our first real school Halloween party and parade.
But before I get to that, I need to discuss Halloween in general.
Will someone PLEASE tell me when Halloween became the sluttiest holiday of the year?? I mean, I cannot stand Halloween costumes. It is astonishing to me the slutty nature of even kids costumes (that is to say nothing about the adults whose costumes double as lingerie).
Is it necessary to dress a five year old in a risqué Alice In Wonderland outfit with thigh high stockings? I saw a girl in the parade today who was no older than 10 wearing a slutty sailor outfit that was completely backless. I couldn’t help but wonder if her mother is blind or a stripper. She had to be one of the two.
I am baffled by the risqué cats, candy corn witches, Dorothys, vampires, and nurses. I cannot understand why anyone would let a little girl dress like a slutty grown up for Halloween. What’s next? A red furry bikini with an orange nose for an Elmo outfit?!? Don’t you even dare, people.
Now that the editorial is complete we can move on to the party.
First, I will have you all know that Too Tight True Religion Dad did not disappoint. You can always count on that in K1. I’ve never seen his wife. I wonder if she is ashamed to be seen with her husband when his pork and beans are on display for all to see. But despite that particular eye abuse, he was not the worst dressed person at the kindergarten party.
No, no…that honor was reserved for the mom who showed up in a slutty Little Red Riding Hood costume.
I shit you not.
Now I really wish I could get into the head of this “lady”. The dress was so short that you could see the control top part of her white panty hose. Here’s a clue: if you’re wearing control top panty hose, you are probably not approved for an exotic dancer’s costume.
But besides that fact, this was a KINDERGARTEN party.
I don’t know which kid was hers because she wasn’t in our class, but I assume she was dressed something like a slutty Cinderella complete with corset like ties and a garter belt (WHY ON EARTH do all these kiddie costumes have these fake corsets?! Candy corns do not generally need to shrink their waists). I couldn’t get over the lack of judgement involved with putting on a slutty costume at 8:00 am for a party of five year olds. So bizarre.
So the idea of the party was that each class had some activity tables and we could float around to all five class rooms and choose our activities.
Lo and behold, my girl was tickled to death about the snack mix table. On the table were big, huge bowls filled with candy, cereals, pretzels, pirate’s booty and marshmallows.
Now who thought this was a good idea?
Yes, each bowl had either Dixie cups or spoons for serving but come on…who is that really fooling? I was sweating and my pulse was racing just watching her fill up that baggie and trying to think of a way to dispose of it without causing a nuclear meltdown. I witnessed hands in the bowl and coughing in and around the bowl and it frightened me more than any ghost or goblin ever could.
Let’s break this down: we are allowing five year old boys and girls who wipe their own asses and whose hand washing isn’t exactly on par with my requirements, to stick their hands in a communal food bowl. Pretty sure little Leo (as sweet and adorable as he is) isn’t counting to twenty and using hot water to scald the fecal matter out of his fingernails after he goes to the bathroom.
So, let’s not kid ourselves about those serving spoons, okay?
I felt especially bad because my girl made a second bag for her little sister to enjoy during the parade but I had to throw out the E.Coli Coco Puffs and candy corn mixture to keep myself from going over the edge. It was in everyone’s best interest.
Then it was time to take some pictures. Let me just give some advice: if someone doesn’t ask your kid to be in a picture, that person probably doesn’t want your kid in the picture.
My girl’s BFF from pre-school is in another class at her current school. I wanted to get a picture of them in their oh-so-adorable and age appropriate costumes. Just when I go to snap the picture, a dad tells his little girl to get in the picture. Now, I wasn’t at all interested in having a picture of this girl but I didn’t want her to feel bad so I took the pictures and so did the other mom.
But then as the little girl was walking away, I quietly (but apparently not quietly enough) said to the other two, “Wait girls, just one more.” Well, the dad then tells his little girl to hurry up and get back in for just one more. I felt like I was on Candid Camera. Like, Dad, really? Okay, maybe she could get the wrong idea, being that she’s five and all, but you’re a 35 year old professional. Come on. It was so uncomfortable. So we posed them for an extra picture with the girl who didn’t belong. Oh well. Some people are just so strange. Social skills, people. Is there a weekend retreat for that?
And just a quick side note, I spent the morning totally dodging the annoying Girl Scout moms whose meeting I ditched last night. I’m not down with being responsible for creating a website for a bunch of kindergarten girls or being their photographer or coordinating all the crafts (it seems the mom who volunteered to be the leader just pretty much decided to “lead” by asking all the moms to take what I considered to be a pretty demanding job) so that sort of put the nail in the Girl Scout coffin for me. Maybe next year.
Just a couple more things…please don’t ring my doorbell after 7:30 for a trick or treat because if you wake up my baby, the devil himself ain’t got nothin’ on me.
And if you are a pubescent teenager reeking of body odor, not wearing a costume, I will not be serving you candy.
Oh, and also I don’t like complainers. If you tell me you don’t like nuts or caramel or whatever, keep on walkin’ cause you’re leaving empty handed. I hate demanding and greedy trick or treaters.
That is all.